Donkeys Laugh Too

[Lohengrin]

I am a beginner at poker. Roughly translated - I am not very good yet.

I bring this up because I was reading the topic on tilting players on purpose and it reminded me of almost every online session I have ever played. At some point I make a bad play. Seriously, in the three or so months that I have been playing I make at least *snicker* one bad play per tournament and at least once per tournament I get berated for it.

Fortunately I have such a personality that the attempted abuse only amuses me but sometimes it gets a bit personal and I (I know, donkey move) respond. Below are my standard responses but I was wondering if anyone had others I could use for variety.

Poker Pro tells me how bad I played - bet - called:

"I know. I want to be better but I just can't do it."

"They need rules to exclude the professional players from play money tournaments." - my favorite

"If you could recommend a book or website that would help me I would be grateful."

Then there was a player from last night. Freeroll, first hand, blinds 10-20. He goes all-in UTG gets 3 callers (freerolls...) shows 5-5 and outdraws everyone.
The next 7 hands he raises 100. Stays in a few using his stack to bully, gets out of a few post flop, never shows a hand.
I pick up AKs on hand 9 and raise 200 (over his 100). He calls. Flop comes KJT rainbow. I bet 400 and he puts me all-in. I called. He turns over JJ and I caught a KT for the win. I don't think I made a terribly bad play at this one but he really started in on me for calling his big raise with one pair.
What I needed was a response to a player who is raising Cain over what is essentially a bad beat. As you may be able to tell, back-handed compliments suit me best. Your ideas?

[Garoen]

you would be 10000% more of a donk if you folded. tell him to go f*ck himself and move on

[1nutlft]

I hate to give this up but, my favorite, live or online is:
"Once your book comes out, will you autograph it for me?"

[Kemics]

"Once your book comes out, will you autograph it for me?"

genius.

[6juanio9]

I get a good laugh when I said I respond better to constructive criticism

[jimmer]

I think Geno has the best reply for these situations. He says something like;

"You should ask the site admin to adjust your settings. I did and I've been winning loads since"