Spouse Wants my Poker Winnings

[lwestatbus]

[Sorry: I couldn't think of a forum that really fit this post so I put it here because most of my winning was online and I think this gets the most exposure.]

I recently made the unbelievably foolish mistake of telling my father-in-law, in my wife's presence, that I was up over $1,700 in poker winnings and that I had a check coming for $700 as a partial cash-out. My intent has always been to climb the stakes ladder using winnings from one level of play to finance my participation at higher stakes until I (maybe) got to a level where I could actually treat winnings as "income" instead of "retained earnings". (My cash-out was strictly intended to reduce the effects of any potential Neteller-like tie-up and to maybe earn a little interest on the money.)

Now my wife thinks that the $700 + the couple of hundred in cash I keep for rare live play + "couldn't you get them to send you a couple of hundred more?" perfectly matches some decorating idea she has for the house.

I've tried to remind her that our original bargain was that I would use winnings to fund higher stakes, but that logic isn't carrying any weight. I really screwed up here.

My current plan is to give up the money and then just replace it from our savings account. (We can afford it and she won't notice it. In fact we could afford to just pay for the decorating but for some reason paying for it from poker winnings has some attraction to her that paying from income doesn't.)

This got me to wondering what others did with your winnings, especially if you are married or in a significant long term relationship.

[MrDarling]

ouch laying to your spouse is never a good idea.

I was lucky enough that my wife totally supported and believed in me and actually convinced me to deposit more every time I got broke... And back in those days we were struggling to pay the rent.

I say you got to sit her down and explain her that this is your new hobby. Tell her it cheaper then you going to play golf or something and explain to her about Br management and how you need the cash etc..

If you had any reasons to cash out for poker, explain that to her. If you were just going to use the money for something fun for yourself, shame on you

[Ensano]

yeah... tell her br money is br money...

i agree with MrD... if you were going to blow the money on something for yourself then you need to SHARE...


NOTE... sharing doesn't include decorating... i don't see how you get any enjoyment from that...

NOTE: unless decorating includes paying 20 year old hotties to dance around your house scantily clad..

[xDiamond_CutteRx]

Now my wife thinks that the $700 + the couple of hundred in cash I keep for rare live play + "couldn't you get them to send you a couple of hundred more?" perfectly matches some decorating idea she has for the house.

Well, then you sacrifice that $700 for a greater purpose. Think of it as a "keep the wife happy" investment. It will have the added benefit of more understanding when it comes to you playing Poker.

My current plan is to give up the money and then just replace it from our savings account. (We can afford it and she won't notice it.

Terrible idea. Keeping secrets surrounding your Poker habit is one, selfish and dishonest, and two, sets a bad precedent for future financial Poker-related decisions. That $700 is gone, but I wouldn't feel the least bit bad about it. The whole point of playing Poker with the goal of winning money is to make your life better, both for yourself and your family. Particularly for the part time player, this fits the rubric perfectly.

I have taken money from my BR to take my girlfriend out to dinner, out for a weekend, spent the money on a vacation, etc, and I am happy I could do this. In a big way, Poker allowed me to have spending money during college to have a better lifestyle than I otherwise could have. THAT, not making ever more to move up the stakes ladder, should be the purpose of money. Otherwise, it's just masturbation.

My advice, Larry, is to happily spend this money on the house that will make your wife happy, and will make you happier in the long run. I then suggest you have a frank discussion with your wife about your plans for Poker, and your plans for the winnings. DO NOT make the mistake of just telling her "I want to use the money to just move up in stakes and play more." This doesn't sit well with most people, and frankly, it does not make much sense if you're playing to win money. I suggest something along the lines of, "when I have won X amount, I will cash out some % of my winnings and we can spend that on new stuff, renovations, a vacation, whatever, and that some of your winnings will be reinvested to move up, so that the NEXT time you are able to cash out, you will have more money to spend.

Do what all married do: compromise. Offer up the $700, but keep the money you have for live play, and do not cash anything else out yet, but keep it with the understanding that you will eventually have more coming, and that you are willing to discuss the prospects of where this money will go.

[jimmer]

I ended up giving my winnings to someone else's wife. Apparantly she got $700 from her husband and wanted another $300 for a ladies night out.

(She told her husband she was using it on a decorating project!)

I had a similar senario with my wife. I explained to her the stakes I was playing and informed her that I needed the money to put in another pokersite which has a better range of higher stake games. It didn't take long for her to understand that if I could win x amount on the lower levels, she could have a lot more money to spend when I win xx on the larger stakes.

The only differance is now, she consistantly asks how much I'm winning, when before she never took an interest.

[HalfSugar]

One word - DIVORCE

[jeffonline]

I have always gone with the theory, if they wish to share the winnings, they should be prepared to share the losses. Good luck with practical.

[gumbie]

I can assure you once she sees some cash even if it's a small amount, she wont bust your balls half as much about playing pokerz on teh internet.

[UrAteUp]

Larry,

You keep the board interesting to say the least buddy...lol.
As for your problem I have to agree with DC and Jimmer. Go ahead and give her the $700. But here is where my advice will differ from those two. You mention she wants a few additional hundred as well for this decorating project? Tell her that will have to come from savings. Then explain to her about br management and being able to move up. Explain that you won this much money playing at your current stakes and then get her mind to wondering about how much you can be winning when you move to higher stakes.

After that put a mental sign in your head. It should read something like..do not ever talk about poker money within 1 mile of the wife. This way you can almost be assured that she can't possibly hear you. Well unless your wife is working for the CIA and has you or one of your friends bugged...

If that doesn't work then you can always use Geno's advice..

[Dave B]

I would ask her if she planned to cover your losses if you were not successful AND that if she gets a hobbie, like garage sale and flipping on ebay, collecting something, etc and ever comes into some money that she give it to you.

Or, you can use the old, "Well, if it is $700 now, then that is all that it will ever be. If we keep it in the poker fund, it will likely be $7,000 in a little while".

My wife asks on a very rare occasion, saying "no" for long enough will eventually work. That said, she just spends more on the credit card when I win (see 110% rule). So I dont know if I am better off than sharing profits or not.

[odlozilik]

I basically doubt the most women can be ever satisfied with us men playing poker (that would be great), no matter are we winning or losing.
Well, today, I think for the first time, she told me: "Thanks".

[mortaleclipse]

Having a understanding spouse is rare. Luckly I live under a roof were my GF is very understanding and never says much if I lose a thousand or win a thousand.

I think the only real option is to say this is my poker lootz and you cant touch it.

[lwestatbus]

What a GREAT set of replies. A really fun set of posts from many of the mainstays of the forum. Thought I'd add a bit more and include some responses.

Some background: In 2004 I sat down with my wife and basically told her what Mr. Darling said. I mean we had this locked in stone. I had a budget of $50 per month to lose--and I even used Mr. D's exact example--it's cheaper than golf--but I could play within the range of any winnings I had. My goal was to finance play at higher stakes from winnings at lower stakes and that has been working out. I'm just on the receiving end of selective spousal memory. Oh, well.

I say you got to sit her down and explain her that this is your new hobby. Tell her it cheaper then you going to play golf or something and explain to her about Br management and how you need the cash etc.

I can assure you once she sees some cash even if it's a small amount, she wont bust your balls half as much about playing pokerz on the internet.

Well, Gumbie, this doesn't quite work out. She's asked me what my hourly rate is (somewhere south of what a teenager working at McDonalds makes) and doesn't buy the "it's an investment in my poker education argument". But I do think she appreciates that I'm not glued to the TV all weekend or out on the golf course.

Jimmer: Absolutely priceless.

Diamond: Bless your heart and I truly appreciate your concern. We've muddled through for 27 years now--its amazing how many points you can rack up by just being sure to leave the toilet seat down. And we just bought $4k in balcony furniture that she really wanted. I'm actually in pretty good shape. And I'm not actually lying to her, I'm just neglecting to actually mention a few things.

NOTE... sharing doesn't include decorating... i don't see how you get any enjoyment from that...

Actually, I told her that the next decorating project I was going to finance from poker winnings was going to be mirrors on the bedroom ceiling. I think that will put a stop to this nonsense in the future.

After that put a mental sign in your head. It should read something like..do not ever talk about poker money within 1 mile of the wife.

Now that's advice you can take to the bank.

Dave, Dave, Dave: You are relying way too much on logic here. If you've not noticed my previous posts this is a woman who believes that Happy Jacks are way more valuable than kings because they are so nice that their friends will always show up when needed.

I would like to point out that, except for Diamond's notes on dates, nobody else mentioned what they did with their winnings. I'm hoping that at least some of you ARE winning.

[MrDarling]

I don't recommend using the following line, sice relationship should be based on trust and sharing and bla, bla bla...
That said, I'm single now, so what do I know.

Anyway, if push come to shove the best defense is offense. So simply tell her you feel very hurt that she doesn't trusts your ability to succeed in poker. Tell her how hard you work and tell her stories about kids who are making $1000/hour, as well as stories about Anette_15 who turned 0 into millions.

As per profit, my ex was so supportive that I tell her she can have roughly half my BR (=€10k) or she can wait until I make a $1m and get $100K...
Guess what she chose?

[Ensano]

so sorry to hear that MrD...

she chose the 100k?